A Tale of Two Moms: Sape and Vee’s Parenting Journey

Mzansi was thrilled when one of South Africa’s most prominent same-sex couples, Sape Maodi-Swartz and Vaivi ‘Vee’ Swartz, shared the exciting news in June that they were expecting a baby.

With their combined social media following of over 340,000 fans, this stylish duo has become a beacon of love and visibility. Together for nearly 16 years, they’ve boldly used their love story to normalise and affirm same-sex relationships in South Africa.

The couple was open about incorporating the traditional practice of lobola into their engagement and the challenges they faced while registering their marriage at the Department of Home Affairs.

Vee, a Procurement Advisor, and Sape, an NGO professional specialising in international human rights, have also graced the pages of True Love magazine’s “Colours of Love” edition in 2019 and were honoured with the Feather Award for Cutest Couple of the Year in 2020. (They’ve been nominated in the Best Rainbow Parenting category this year.)

Now proud moms to their little boy, affectionately nicknamed ‘Rainbow,’ Sape and Vee are joyfully documenting their parenting journey on social media. We sat down with them to talk about their decision to become parents, the journey to make that dream a reality, and how life has transformed since Rainbow’s arrival.

Did you both always envision having a baby?

Vee: From a young age I have wanted children and starting a family has always been a part of our plans. We chose our baby’s name years ago and have always manifested and prayed that it would be a reality.

Sape: I also always envisioned having a baby and a family and this desire grew more and more after finding love and witnessing Vee’s motherly instincts shining through whenever we had our nieces and nephews around. Our long-term plans have always included baby Rainbow.

Was it important for you to have a child of your own?

Vee: The desire to be parents was never centralised around us having children of our own. We were open to adopting if it would not have been possible to have a child of our own. We have played parental roles in the lives of the children in our lives and realised that you do not need to give birth to a child to be regarded as a parent.

Sape: Vee and I share the same sentiments on this – we believe that biology does not change the love any parent figure has for those precious beings that they are raising.

What were the biggest concerns you had when before embarking on this journey?

Vee: How we would cope if the process was unsuccessful. But we always relied on the fact that we had one another’s support no matter the outcome.

Sape: Another big concern was whether we were able to afford the process and raising a child in this economy. Which is the reason we waited so long to make sure that we were fully ready for the process and that we were in the best position to raise a child.

How did your families react to the decision to have a child?

Vee: We’ve always hinted to our family members that we intended to have a child but when we started the process, we did not tell anyone. It was a secret we kept between ourselves until we learned we were pregnant.

Sape: When we told them that we were expecting a baby, they were so happy for us. Our families have always been supportive and very protective of us. They threw us a beautiful gender reveal party filled with warmth, joy and love. And Rainbow was embraced and showered with love from both families from the moment he was born.

How much planning and research went into the process before you were ready to conceive?

Vee: We did a lot of research and relied on referrals from people who have undergone the process. We were quite fortunate to be referred to one of the best medical experts in the country and they not only advised and guided us, but they were also quite supportive and encouraging. This was not the first specialist that we tried and in previous attempts, we didn’t get the level of advice and support needed to get us far in the process.

How much planning did you do around the financial aspect of raising a child?

Vee: We started saving years back but when Covid hit we were negatively impacted and had to re-evaluate our plans. One thing that we didn’t want to do, was to have a child that we couldn’t support financially, so that was a major consideration. But when we were confident enough about being able to afford the costs of the procedure, and also have a comfortable buffer to raise our child, we started thinking about other factors like our emotional and psychological well-being.

Mental health and well-being were extremely important and we wanted to ensure that we were well and capable to undertake the journey and be able to tackle the challenges that come with parenting, especially in the early stages. We also had to research the traditional and cultural aspects of raising a child, especially considering what is required from both cultures, and what we are willing and not willing to compromise for the best interest and well-being of the child. We had to consult with our parents, and we learnt a lot in this process.

And what about the legalities?

Sape: We were in a fortunate position because South Africa has one of the best laws in the world that affords us as a married same-sex couple equal parental rights. We were registered as Parent A and Parent B on our child’s birth certificate – it was a hassle-free process, and we had the birth certificate by the time we left the hospital. We were also both able to take parental leave. It was important for both of us to be fully present during the early months of our baby’s life.

Could you share how Rainbow was conceived?

Sape: Our baby was conceived through In vitro fertilisation (IVF) and we opted for an anonymous sperm donor with an agency.

Vee: I was the carrier, and we used my wife’s embryos.

What were the conversations like when deciding who would carry the baby?

Vee: For us, it did not matter who carried and whose embryos we would use – we took the blood tests and let those determine the way forward. We got guidance and advice from the specialists who walked us through the journey to get the best results. The fact that I carried our baby came as such a surprise to many – even our family members. And it also sparked debates. It was a good reminder that lesbian-identifying women – masculine or not – should not be boxed or expected to conform to societal norms and standards. Their choice to reproduce should not be determined by what people expect, their assumptions, or their heteronormative understanding of queer persons’ identities.

What was the most difficult or complex part of your journey to becoming parents?

Sape: We actually had such a peaceful and beautiful journey despite the risks that came with pregnancy considering that our Down syndrome screening test came back as high-risk due to various factors, one of them being Vee’s age. We decided to do a non-invasive prenatal testing (NIPT) to get further screening results and those were the most stressful two weeks of our pregnancy journey but we used the time to do as much research as possible on Down syndrome for us to be informed about the matter. The other difficult part was keeping our pregnancy a secret by choice, which meant that Vee had to spend a lot of time at home which was quite difficult because she is such a social person. We kept our pregnancy a secret because we wanted to talk about our journey in our own time. In hindsight that allowed us to take in every moment, protect our peace and fully immerse ourselves in this beautiful journey. We documented our entire journey for our child to refer back to and know that he was planned and prayed for, but it also ended up being an awareness and educational journey to share.

Did you experience any discrimination in the healthcare or medical systems?

Vee: None at all. All the specialists, nurses and support teams involved in our process were excellent and mindful of the smallest details; about the pronouns they used when referring to us, not making assumptions about the carrier and the donor and the reasons thereof. They were respectful and afforded us equality, privacy and dignity. This was major progress that we witnessed and shows that we are moving in the right direction as a country and as a society.

What’s been the most surprising thing you’ve learned on this journey?

Vee: The entire pregnancy journey was surprising! [Laughs] We did the theory research of the journey and all of the changes the body endures but the practical part about it was a huge learning curve which was emotional and humorous at the same time. We learned so much about ourselves and new layers of our strengths and weaknesses which we wouldn’t have tapped into if we were not in this journey.

Sape: For me, it was the traditional aspect and how two cultures and traditions came together to ensure that the baby is well and protected.

Tell us about your little boy and what he means to you.

Sape: His nickname is Rainbow because he was a beautiful blessing after a stormy stage of our lives. He is the most beautiful human I have ever seen – I know all parents say that about their children! – but for me, it was love at first sight. And how blessed am I to have witnessed love at first sight twice, first with my wife and now with our son.

Vee: He means the world to us; he is literally our answered prayer and has us wrapped around his tiny fingers. We can’t wait to watch him grow. Our days may be consumed by nappy changes, feeds, balancing nap times and trying to get the hang of parenting but his smiles and giggles complete us. We remain thankful that he is our baby, and we hope to do our best to give him the best life and love that he deserves.

How has becoming parents changed your lives, both in practical ways and in terms of your outlook on life?

Sape: Our lives are completely different; we keep wondering what we did with all of the spare time we had! [Laughs] Right now we are busy every second of the day, from the moment we are woken up by our busy body to the moment he falls asleep at night. But we are so emotionally fulfilled that we wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Vee: The power of maternal love has changed both our perspectives in life. Previously all of our attention was fixated on one another and now everything we do, the way we think and all of our actions and decisions are in the best interest of our bundle of joy. One thing we appreciate is that we haven’t lost the love or the spark [between us]. That is quite important for us because we do not want to lose ourselves on this parenting journey, so we continue to check in to make sure we don’t lose what we have. That has also helped us keep our home a safe and conducive space for our baby to flourish, especially in these early and important development days. We are also very protective of our peace and conscious and intentional about what and who we give our attention to.

What advice would you give to other queer individuals or same-sex couples who are considering starting a family?

Vee: The most important advice that I would give is for couples to communicate about their desire to start a family, the type of family they want and the plans around that to be on the same page.

Sape: I would also advise that couples ensure that they are psychologically and emotionally prepared and supported when embarking on this journey. Make sure that your relationship is a safe space to be open and vulnerable because this journey is not the easiest – but with the right person and support you will get to enjoy the best moments and find the humour in the challenging times.

Vee: One of the things that I will always appreciate about this journey is that shutting out popular opinions, societal norms and expectations and doing what makes one happy is the best decision that anyone can take, which reminded me of my coming out journey. Doing what people expect you to do will only rob you of your freedom, dreams and happiness so just be true to yourself and do what makes you happy in life… the rest will fall into place.