Spring has finally arrived in my little speck of the world. The bees are buzzing, the birds are mating and every single last flower in my garden is producing enough pollen to send me into anaphylactic shock. I am super allergic to pollen, grass… well, pretty much everything related to spring. But allergies and animals having sexy time everywhere you look are not the only things spring brings…

I, like most people I know, tend to pack on some extra pounds during the winter months. And, as we start shedding our winter jackets and sweaters, revealing our lily white arms and legs that can only see the sun in instalments, Spring brings other revelations. And, unfortunately for me, my revelation is the fact that I have become fat!

The greater part of my Internet activity this past weekend was spent researching diets. You see, in just a few short months I need to be able to fit into my Speedo for our island holiday. (Yes, you read correctly – my Speedo. But do note that I only wear it when I am not in South Africa and only in places where there are people that I am sure I will never see again.)

During this past winter I packed on a few extra pounds and, to my horror, discovered that I have started to grow a second chin, a flabby gut and some god-awful cellulite on my ass. It’s all very traumatising! Seeing as I have cancelled my gym subscription, I realised that the only recourse I have left at my disposal is a diet. Either I go on a damn diet or make peace with the fact that I run the risk of looking like a beached whale in Madagascar in December.

I have never been on a diet in my life. I don’t know how it works. But, I consulted with my good old friend Google and discovered that there are millions of diets on the Internet. These range from well-organised programs you can join with weekly weigh-ins (I don’t even own a scale by the way) to eating programs you can follow; some lasting only a couple of days and others lasting months.

The more I read about diets the more I realised that they may not be for me. I am far too lazy to measure out my food, pack three small lunches to take to work or stand in my underwear on a scale in front of a bunch fat people – only to be told I am fat too. My fragile self-esteem would be devastated.

Yes, there may not be any fat-evaporating fairies hiding in my summer closet, but diet? Bitch please! I can’t imagine myself having to stuff my face with shit that taste like cardboard, not eat carbs and having to swop my fizzy drink for bottled water. That’s like being a contestant on Survivor – but without the million dollars.

I considered bypassing the whole starve yourself thing and fast-forwarding to liposuction. Why go hungry when you can have all that fat sucked out in less than an hour?

Furthermore, if I don’t eat potatoes at least five times a week the world will end. Not to mention having to swop my red meat for fish and/or skinless chicken, having to give up my gravies, sauces and other fattening condiments that I love so much. Oh my God, a diet will kill me!

Clearly the diet thing is not going to work for me. Diets have too many rules, get up in your business too much and include starvation and supervision; all as unappealing to me as the cellulite on my rear end. So what am I to do?

I admit that for a day or two I briefly considered bulimia. On the up side, you can eat what you want – and as much of it as you want. But, on the down side, you have to vomit. And I hate vomiting. So I quickly shut that idea down. It requires too much commitment and way too much time spent in the toilet hurling.

Anorexia was eliminated from the onset as an option, for obvious reasons (it involves no food!) So, with half a cheesecake taunting me in my fridge, I sat down to further contemplate my dwindling options.

Having had minor plastic surgery earlier this year and with my surgeon’s number on speed dial (just a number higher than that of my Botox dispenser), I considered bypassing the whole starve-yourself-thing and fast-forwarding to liposuction. Why go hungry when you can have all that fat sucked out in less than an hour?

The only problem? I can’t afford it! Damn you economy! Damn you! As my elation turned into a gluttonous cheesecake feeding frenzy, my extra pounds were weighing down more than just my stomach. Rather disconsolately I walked to the mirror and gave myself a good stare down (the edges of my mouth still covered in crumbs of the cheesecake that was quite delicious, I must say). I looked at myself and made a decision.

The only reason I gained the weight was because of bad eating habits. Crisps are not food and neither is a Snicker bar or a chocolate milkshake. I made a choice to change my eating habits.

And no, it will not be a diet but rather a conscious choice to eat healthier: More fruits and vegetables, less McDonalds and Kentucky Fried Chicken, less frying and more steaming and grilling. Whether my decision to change my eating habits will see me shed those extra pounds, only time will tell. But one thing is for damn sure, I will not go on some fat-ass diet!

Get the Mamba Newsletter

Latest Comments
  1. Odwa
    Reply -
  2. StevO
    Reply -
  3. JP
    Reply -

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Send this to a friend