Behind the Scenes: Adventures of the Prostate Gland


The older I get the more ambitious my prostate seems to get. Mine is very demanding for a gland so neatly tucked away inside my body. It seems to be getting too big for its boots (or should I say, chute).

I have a condition that is quite prevalent in men over a certain age. It’s called benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH), which is just medical jargon for enlarged prostate that is not cancerous. I know we should always try to avoid being ‘kommen’, but BPH is common, unfortunately. Harvard Health says, “…overgrown prostate, is extremely common in older men. Although the majority of men with the condition (50-60%) never develop symptoms.”

I resent the “older men” remark, but I must make peace with the fact that my Twink days are as long dead as silver rave pants, Kreols and VHS. In other words, at 45, I’m a relatively ‘Ola Pastry’ in geigh years.

Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor or a health professional so I am not qualified to give any medical advice. Please see this article as an inspiration to delve further into your prostate health and discuss these topics with your doctor. I take no responsibility if you injure your prostate after reading this article.

Prostie Needs to Chill

First things first, where is it? Let’s ask Harvard again because it’s posh: “The prostate is a walnut-sized gland located below the bladder and in front of the rectum.” In normal Gayle, that means it’s nestled nicely somewhere between your Hazel (anus) and your Lana (penis). Talk about prime real estate. Right where the action is… uh gurl, uh!

If, like me, you do develop an enlarged prostate with symptoms, some of the symptoms would be as follows:

  • Difficulty starting to pee
  • Stopping and starting when you’re peeing
  • Weak stream when you pee
  • Straining to pee
  •  Feeling like your bladder isn’t really empty when you’re done
  • Peeing frequently and getting up at night to pee
  • The sudden urge to pee


A Pain in the Prostate?

Another condition I’ve had that can be a pain in the prostate, is called prostatitis. I guess I’m lucky like that, but again, I’m not alone because it’s also very common. However, unlike BPH, it can affect people with a prostate that are much younger.

It’s the infection or inflammation of the prostate gland and this can be caused by a bacterial infection, an injury, as well as by psychological stress, according to National Institutes of Health. I got it in my late twenties for the first time but it took me a while to figure out because people don’t seem to like to talk about the prostate – poor thing.

Now, I know that for some of y’all, this little gland is like the Pleasure Dome. The G.O.A.T. of G-Spots. The ignition button. But alas, for some of us with prostate problems this is not the case.

It can be ‘bliksemse’ sore. And it can be reoccurring like a bitch of a boomerang and flare up when you least expect it.

It gets swollen and inflamed so it becomes hypersensitive and let’s just say that whenever I’ve had to have a “physical” prostate exam, it’s so intense that I may eventually unintentionally beat Elon Musk to being the first person to colonize Mars. Thank the Lawd my doctor has small hands – I refer to them as small mercies!

Here are some prostatitis symptoms to look out for according to WebMD (because variety is the spice and all that).

  • “Urgent need to pee but only a little comes out, or you have to get to the toilet quickly to prevent an accident,
  • “High fever,
  • “Chills,
  • “Trouble peeing,
  • “Weak urine stream,
  • “Painful urination,
  • “Pain around the base of your penis or behind your scrotum,
  • “Cloudy urine,
  • “Lower back pain,
  • “Rectum pain,
  • “A ‘heavy’ feeling behind your scrotum,
  • “Blood in your semen,
  • “Pain in the lower abdomen, scrotum, tip of the penis, or perineum (area between scrotum and rectum).

Yep, not exactly a party. But fortunately, there are many highly effective ways to treat both prostatitis and enlarged prostate, so chat with your doctor.

Look, you can play with your prostate but don’t play with your prostate health. It’s as serious as… well, cancer.

Prostate Cancer

Fortunately, prostate cancer is a prostate problem that I don’t have, although it is quite a common cancer to have.

According to Frontiers in Public Health, “Prostate cancer is the second most commonly diagnosed cancer and the fifth leading cause of cancer death among men worldwide […] Prostate cancer is the most frequently diagnosed cancer in 112 countries, and the leading cause of cancer death in 48 countries.”

There is good news though! If detected early enough, prostate cancer is a cancer that responds really well to treatment and the American Cancer Society says, “Prostate cancer can be a serious disease, but most men diagnosed with prostate cancer do not die from it.”

You must take care of your prostate, it’s as simple as that. Getting PSA blood tests annually is one way to keep an eye on things but unfortunately this test is not always accurate. It can often provide false-positive results for prostate cancer or fail to pick up some types of prostate cancers, warns the UK’s NHS. Sometimes you need to give it the finger.

A physical prostate exam is a more accurate a way to detect prostate cancer, and if you have any of the symptoms above or are in your mid-forties or older you may want to schedule one – for your own good.

Pointing Fingers at the Prostate

For most people, having a physical prostate exam is merely uncomfortable and maybe a bit awkward at most, but it’s not that bad. Even if it is painful, which is rare, it’s over quickly and you will live to tell the tale as I have. For peace of mind, it is totally worth it.

Again, I am not a doctor and I am not qualified to give any medical advice. Chat to your doctor about all the things mentioned in this article.

Here is an earworm in closing: Yum, yum bubblegum, stick your finger up your bum, and make sure your prostate is a smooth and happy chap. It’s at an awkward angle so maybe rather get an expert to do it.

Send your prostate my warmest regards.

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  1. Brian Péli
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